I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Randomize
