You can't special order awesome
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
