I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
