Taylor Swift is so right about you.
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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