theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
