I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Randomize
