I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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