oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Randomize
