Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
