Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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