saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
People in love make me want to vomit
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Randomize
