my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
We got so high we made milksteak
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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