I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
