Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
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