I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Randomize
