Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
