Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
