so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
