new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
