hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
