I'm really into asian looking animals
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
You ruined the universe
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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