even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
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