I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
