I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
