i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Randomize
