Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
My dick has a subreddit
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Randomize
