I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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