He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
She just used a chaser for red wine.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Randomize
