Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
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