dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I am one with the molecules
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
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