i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
