maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
