Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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