i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
