I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
