a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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