Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
pop tarts are not kleenex
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
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