Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
