just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
