How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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