And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
