Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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