At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
