i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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