I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
