that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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