I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Randomize
