I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
