this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Randomize
