Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
